Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
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I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”