Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
You Might Also Like
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals