Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?

Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.

He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.

Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.

-first day of algebra class

Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.

Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.

Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend

I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.

When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??

Overheard This Weekend

Boy: Babe comes over to my place.

Gal: what do you want us to do?

Boy: Just to chill

Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years