“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
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Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?