“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
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Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Gods work.
