Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

see you in hell you stupid fruit

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending

[product design]

CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures

me: OK should they be easy to open?

CEO: absolutely not

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

[fire raging in my bedroom]

smoke alarm:

[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]

smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.

Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.

Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.

How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.

Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!

[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.