@saucy_peaches

Why are you so pissed?

You asked me what turns me on and all I said was you not talking…

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@PaperWash

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

@AimeeHelene1

‘Dances with Wolves’…

But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.

@chopper4jk

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

@flashember

[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh

@dugglebutt

I’m just a boy. Standing in front of a girl. Who is changing into a werewolf. Now I’m standing in front of a werewolf.

@DeanB15

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

@LorieGZ

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

@joshandbeyond

Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*

@Darlainky

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?