The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
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Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
This a good idea
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.