HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Why are you so pissed?
You asked me what turns me on and all I said was you not talking…
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‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
I’m just a boy. Standing in front of a girl. Who is changing into a werewolf. Now I’m standing in front of a werewolf.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?