“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
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found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af
My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar MeyerAll of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line