“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
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Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
SF is the wild wild west man
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Somebody call the cops.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk