“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
You Might Also Like
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Yup.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”