“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
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If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
The dark side of Canada
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?