Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
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*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
What even happened today?
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
