Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
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me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Merry Christmas
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Children of the corn 🌽
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
termite twitter scares me
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances