Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.

5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?

How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

M: Wanna try tantrum sex?

W: You mean “tantric”?

M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!

Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.

[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.

[first date]

Him: I live with my mom.

Me: Living or dead?

I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.

*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*

if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic

Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.