Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

I would move hell over six inches for you

Ok, but like, how married are you?

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.

I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.

You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.

Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA

What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.

What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.

Me: Loving this juice cleanse.

Wife: That’s sangria.

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents

Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?

*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*

Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!

Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.

Kid: It’s been an hour.

Me: You’re free to go.

Kid: Like, go play?

Me: Like, move out

Kid: I’m 7.

Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.

[At the restaurant]

One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree