Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once

Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one

Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.

I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.

Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.

me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..

[planning heist]

leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?

me: that’s when I take my break too tho

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone

Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq

I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.

*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.