why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
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Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.