why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
You Might Also Like
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”