Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
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BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no