Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]

10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.

Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear

trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.

[Funeral]

Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”

Widow: “Please do”

Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”

Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑

I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.

The vet looked me over.

He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one

My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠