Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
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all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I’ve disappointed better people.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
This coffee cake doesn’t seem to be helping my alertness at all
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us