Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]

If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes

If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War

An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.

ME (calling my horse with no name):

My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…

It’s called Wordle”

The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

am i feeling hopeful about the future?

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong