Why aren’t more people talking about this?
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When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”