@IamEnidColeslaw

Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.

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@Darlainky

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

@pakalupapito

why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here

@thedad

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

@CAshmanActor

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

@causticbob

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”

@calluptome

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

@UtterlyTC

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

@UnFitz

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.