Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.

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15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*


I only came to this school reunion because one of you’ve got my Wu Tang tape.


[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.


Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…


HER: my friend katie is single again

ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up

HER: yes!


DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!


wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat


[on neighbor’s porch]
I am here to purchase the dog you neglect. Either you take this money now or I will use it myself to post bail later.


Things I haven’t seen in a while:
1) the 2yo I’m babysitting today
2) a man
3) my waist-line
4) my imaginary goat, Bill
5) my sanity