15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
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I only came to this school reunion because one of you’ve got my Wu Tang tape.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
*gets down on one knee*
[on neighbor’s porch]
I am here to purchase the dog you neglect. Either you take this money now or I will use it myself to post bail later.
Things I haven’t seen in a while:
1) the 2yo I’m babysitting today
2) a man
3) my waist-line
4) my imaginary goat, Bill
5) my sanity