[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
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why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.