Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
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if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I love texting my boyfriend
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.