Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
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Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
congratulations to them
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer