Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
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When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food