Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
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mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.