Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
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Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
🤣🤣🤣
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like