Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.

Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.

Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.

Jill: You got it, boss.

Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.

Me: God grant me the serenity.

God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”

[Kid Training Headquarters]

Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS