Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
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Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
When I snag the last meatball.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
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