Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
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Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
I ain’t wearing no wire
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.