Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
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“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
🖤✌🏽
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
fired
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.