Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
You Might Also Like
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
british sex workers really pound for pound
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Holy shit he’s back
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.