Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
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ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs