Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
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mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.