Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
You Might Also Like
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I fixed it. For me
