Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
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someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
so weird how every mom was born today
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.