Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
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they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
The Birdles
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!