Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
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My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.