Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
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The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!