“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
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If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Y’all ready for this
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping