“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
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I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.