“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
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Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Flowers bee like
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.