Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
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Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.