Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
You Might Also Like
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp