Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
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If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
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Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.
Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.Bread.
The kid likes bread.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*