Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
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My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids