Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*

Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol

Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.

Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.

Investor: I can see what you’re saying.

Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.

Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.

To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does

The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”

*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.

Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.

DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.

He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.

THIS.

MOTHER.

FUCKER.

DOES.

NOT.

CARE.

HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.

Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!

Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice

My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.

I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.