Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
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My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
going to the ER y’all need anything
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”