Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
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An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.