Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
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I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
I’d use my best pan on you.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
You deplete me
Here’s a meme
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets