Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
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I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment