Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

This made me chuckle.

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out

All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

*wakes up screaming*

Wife: What happened??

Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.

Wife: Silly that’s impossible.

Me: The flying leopard part?

Wife: No, the part about you jogging.

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*