Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
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My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.