Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest

Remorse?

I’m pretty sure I didn’t morse in the first place.

I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.

6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!

If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?

I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me

starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”

restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.

Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left