“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
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before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now