“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
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Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.