“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
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I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock