@JohnLyonTweets

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

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@brendohare

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

@inmybox07

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

@tsm560

*saves the date*

Date: I have a boyfriend. Try the fig.

@XplodingUnicorn

7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.

@AmberTozer

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

@squirrel74wkgn

Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*

@tracietom

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

@howe007

Women’s magazines:

Page 5: accept yourself for who you are

Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week

Page 12: best cake recipe

@sammyrhodes

You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.