“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
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My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.