Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
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I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.