Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
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Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes
smh
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
What a kind woman! 😂😂
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?