Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
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dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Customize Your Wedding.
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.