Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
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I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I love how every website has a “[✔️] Keep me signed in on this computer” button and it’s just straight up bullshit lol
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth