Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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me

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meonstilts

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meandbatmanonstilts

Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?

Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.

Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo

Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car

Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

“Wow, Awesome costume.”

“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”

Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*

End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)

Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.

Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know