Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
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My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.