Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
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Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
If you know, you know
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots