Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
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Can’t, holding a grudge
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.