Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
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I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
vegan witches, happy halloween!
At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.