Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
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Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
one of
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Gemma Correll
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.