Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [Donating my body to science.]

Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.

Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..

Me: Yes.

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

I was bored.

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

Him: What dat mouf do?

Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.

Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.

People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

Wanna hear a joke?

Sleep.

I know, I don’t get it either.

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.

“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”

These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.