Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
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When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
So Hamburger help me, God
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Ron is short for Aaronald
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
