Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!

I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad

*asteroid approaches*

SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.

PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?

SCIENTISTS: None yet.

PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

At McDonalds

Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them

Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.

I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard

I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit

But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol

That’s fair

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”