Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
You Might Also Like
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
(more comics:
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
