Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
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me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
A French press is when you hug naked
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.