Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
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just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”
All I want for Christmas is my gross pay
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her
🤣🤣🤣
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI