Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?
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This could be us but you eatin’
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Hmm 🧐
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless