Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?
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My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Candles never taste the way they smell
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Krampus.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?