Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?
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Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped
You’re never alone. Theres mold
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.